*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You Might Also Like
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Why am I like this?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
😎 🍻
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.