“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them