Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
584.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.