Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Don’t we all.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!