“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet