That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Happy Halloween 🎃
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*