Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You can’t outrun your problems…
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
i hate you platonically
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*