Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
You Might Also Like
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“We will wed,” I threatened
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess