Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Thursday Thought.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
absolutely not
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret