If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I know
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Ah yes. The three genders
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.