doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man