Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[montage of me giving-up]
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.