The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so