Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something