Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Happy Star Wars day!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope