me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
You Might Also Like
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
They got Raph!
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.