Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The dark side of Canada
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!