It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Hey I worked for it too!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Thursday Thought.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners