I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.