Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂