Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
You Might Also Like
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest