[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
water it, i dare you
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn