Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Camping tip: No.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.