I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
how to market bottled water to dads
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
never deleting this app.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us