just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You Might Also Like
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.