I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Care for your back
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*