[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi