What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Liquor Store Parking
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not