The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore