No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Mornin
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.