My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently