Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
that colleague who touches your screen
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
man i love columbo
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.