Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: