“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?