DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears