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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out