I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Safety first
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.