I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.