My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Beauty and the Beast
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve