Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance