Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Yes, but it was never about money
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
spicy snake
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.