Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.