As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
B
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS