Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
You Might Also Like
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.