frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]