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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
🤣dope
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
What even happened today?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My dog ate my work from home.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*