My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.