I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!