Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.