Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”